Former wine buyer Felix Hart has talked his way into a job as lead sommelier at a glittering luxury department store. In this third and final extract from Peter Stafford-Bow’s comic novel Black Odesa, out now, his boss explains why flavour is the last thing the clientele actually wants.
Excerpt 3 from Black Odesa, a cautionary tale of vinfluencers, luxury retail and occupied wine regions.
Felix Hart has landed a job as Lead Sommelier at Sauvage & Sons, the luxury department store. Following some choice opinions on the quality of their wines, he is summoned by Otto, his boss.
“Sit down, Felix. I have received a worrying report that you are criticising the wine selection in Bar Vertigo.”
“I simply suggested that the Chablis was a touch bland. I didn’t mean to upset anyone.”
Otto folded his arms and leaned back. His chair emitted an angry click and adjusted itself into a semi-reclined configuration, forcing him to clutch the armrests in panic. He peered over the side of the chair and began hammering at a lever with his fist.
“Scheissteil!” he hissed, before abandoning his battle with the chair’s undercarriage and perching on the edge of his seat.
“Felix, it is not your role to criticise the wine quality.”
“Isn’t it? I thought that was entirely my job. Don’t we want to sell nice wine?”
“Do you not remember what you said at your interview? You tasted those two wines and, when I asked which was better, you said it was entirely subjective.”
“That’s different – they were both great wines.”
Otto smiled and wagged his finger at me.
“No, it is the same thing. You see, our clients do not want to be challenged when they come to our restaurants. They do not want to drink oxidised orange wine made by a hairy man from Ljubljana who waves his fists if they have incorrect opinions.”
“I wasn’t proposing any fist-waving. Just nicer wine.”
“Listen. Who comes to eat and drink in our restaurants?”
“Wealthy people, I suppose.”
“Yes! Rich people. And what do rich people want more than anything?”
“I don’t know. Bigger yachts?”
“No! They want what they cannot have. They want to be young and beautiful.”
“Why does that mean they can’t have good wine?”
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“Because every sip of wine, every mouthful of food, makes them feel they are getting fat and sick and old! Our job is to help our clients forget they are eating and drinking.”
“Then why do they bother ordering food and drink at all?”
“Because they must show they are having fun! On the social media. Surely you, of all people, understand this? The wines and cocktails we sell are not drinks. They are lifestyle facilitators.”
“Doesn’t sound much fun.”
Otto looked stern.
“You must try harder to empathise, Felix. Research by the Creative Executive Insight team has found that more than half our customers are on agonist medication.”
“Agonist? What’s that? Sounds painful.”
“Semaglutides, liraglutides, retatrutides. Surely, you have heard of GLP-1? Ozempic?”
“Oh, you mean weight-loss drugs?”
“Yes! The most important development in the food industry since the discovery of the Americas! Felix, have you visited the basement kitchens? Have you seen the food leaving, and the plates when they return?”
“I have my restaurant induction with Bertha on Monday.”
“Take a look. No-one eats their food any more. They take a picture, push it around, then it returns to the kitchen at the end of the meal. Our clients eat less than ten percent of the food they order, and that figure is dropping every month.”
“So, what do you want me to do? My expertise is finding delicious wine and bringing joy to the people who drink it.”
Behind his round frames, Otto’s eyes lit up.
“There you go! We want you to do the same, just do not fixate so much on the flavour. Everything is visual now, Felix. No-one tastes, no-one reads, no-one even thinks. People just want to look. And, of course, they want to be seen. Why do you think Prince Uzbek told Maximilien to employ you?”
“After that interview, I was wondering.”
Otto removed his spectacles and began polishing them again.
“Because,” he said, blinking at me, “you are the hottest visual sommelier in the country. So, bring the joy!”
Black Odesa by Peter Stafford-Bow was released on 1st June and is available on Amazon and Waterstones.com. Read the second extract from Black Odesa here.
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